Respect Me

 

Look at this abomination. This absolute toilet of a car. It sucks, and when you see it on the road you think "that car sucks, and so does the person driving it. They should die in a fire." I don't blame you. It's a Buick Lucerne. It's 12 years old, which is 96 in Lucerne years. If this death trap could speak it would say "kill me" in a deep, guttural roar you'd hear from some misty bog. This thing cruised off the lot one day in 2010 at a crisp 20 mph and immediately became a shitty used car. They stopped making the Lucerne the year after this model was built. Buick had enough. The plant workers probably threatened mass suicide if they had to slap together one more of these metal boxes of death. 

So I don't blame you for hating it, or for hating whoever happens to be driving it. But I drive this car, and I need you to stop disrespecting us on the road. 

Most people driving this vehicle are on the wrong side of 85. Not to embrace ageism here, but it's commonplace to groan and roll your eyes when arriving behind a Buick Lucerne. You assume the worst - the driver of this car likely witnessed Babe Ruth's last game for the Boston Braves. You are now eternally stuck behind this person, and by the time you arrive at your destination everyone you've ever known will be dead. The Buick Lucerne is the last ox your family has on the Oregon Trail, and you're going to watch it fight off anthrax until it inevitably collapses into the mud and takes you with it. 

But, hear me out. Maybe the person driving this car is a younger, capable person who happily exceeds the speed limit. Perhaps the driver is aware that turns do not require slowing down to 2 mph in order to cut a corner. The driver even knows which signals to use! Maybe...this driver is me! You do not have to angrily flank & pass me before luring into my car window with darting eyes for having the audacity to share the road with you. 

This is where my earlier understanding wanes, because you people out there are insane. 

People don't just see my car and groan, or even tailgate & honk. They try and murder me. I'll be cruising along at a decent rate of speed and some slob will weave through traffic just to cut me off with inches to spare. Today a FedEx driver tailgated me coming up on a turn for no particular purpose and almost took me out for the crime of existence. Why? Now imagine I was old & feeble and terrible at driving. Why are you trying to murder a senior citizen? Is it worth the insurance markup to give in to your worst impulses? I said it's okay to want us dead, not to actually facilitate our death. 

You people on the road act like you're the only people on the road. You're dead inside, and certainly more dead than the timing belt in my tan, mobile dumpster. You have nowhere important to be, because you're not important. You maraud around the streets like you never loved your own mother. What is it? A mobile Starbucks order? To pick up your kids you're actively screwing up with your underlying rage? Let them hang at daycare an extra 10 fucking minutes because it's ten less minutes they'll need to spend in therapy trying to understand why your soul is black. You're not cool, you're not edgy, and you're going to get someone killed. 

The next time you come across an old, tan jaloppy that looks like it's about to drop its transmission like a horse crapping at a parade, take a second. Breathe in deep. Say to yourself hey, maybe this person will drive normal. Maybe I can spend an extra 45 seconds at this red light. Maybe I can be a little kind here. Because the person driving that car has seen shit. Their dad worked 78 hour shifts at the docks so they could eat one slice of baloney. Or it could be me, who's just driving normal. Have some decency.