Prince William Retire Bitch

 

A phenomenon I sincerely enjoy is when privileged fools publicly take aim at other, rich fools in their pursuit of moral supremacy. 

Prince William, Duke of Cambridge, Baldy of the Great Celtic Sea, Enabler of Chains, The Sunburnt, Prince of the Blandals and the worst men, protector of the single smoggy kingdom - has some words for Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk, and Richard Branson regarding their recent foray into space exploration. 

The English Royal Mascot decried the promotion of space tourism and said great brains and minds should be "trying to repair this planet, not trying to find the next place to go and live." Couple of things here. One - sending Captain Kirk to the thermosphere is not finding the next place to go and live. Two - simply picturing the mammoth proportions of the ball sack this guy must have to publicly chide "great brains" has broken my poor brain into several pieces. 

For the record, I find this space tourism bit to be the wasteful folly of the richest men to ever exist - adventurism that neither you or I, nor our children or their children, will ever enjoy. Bezos is a monopolistic corporate predator, Musk is a self-absorbed market-manipulating dickless cyborg, and "Sir" Richard Branson is just a poor man's Bond villain. I would like for these men to deploy their infinite resources for the good of human society. I also have no say in how they spend their money. But I have more of a right to demand better of these wannabe-Weyland's than the prized progeny of the royal bloodline. 

The best movie about the Royal Family is King Ralph, mostly because they're all dead by the time the opening credits finish. 

Prince William is second in line to the throne of an empire that for hundreds of years colonized & pulverized foreign lands. At the height of its power, it was "the empire on which the sun never sets." Its grotesque brutality is matched only by its intense snobbery, as if having a SPOT O' TEA while conquering half the world with violent force is gentlemanly & proper. Granted, the power wielded by the throne as of this writing is significantly diminished, if not non-existent. Somehow, that's worse. At least his ancestors did some serious work. One of them was called "Lionheart." It's not a Van Damme movie. That guy existed. 

What, precisely, does Prince William offer the planet? Maybe he's a nice guy. Maybe I don't care. He was born into wealth that has never been earned, with automatic titles and honors that he could only lose by marrying a clout-chasing American divorcee & suitcase cheerleader. His grandfather hailed from a family of Nazis. He has created nothing of note. His mere existence is a perpetuation of a power structure that has outlasted its usefulness. 

William went on to say that he had "absolutely no interest" in going to space, adding there was a "fundamental question" over the carbon cost of space flights. He pointed to a "rise in climate anxiety" among young people whose "futures are basically threatened the whole time." 

Good for you! Here's a fundamental question, dipshit. Let's compare our carbon footprints. I don't fly anywhere and I recycle. You have a wait staff that numbers in the hundreds. The electricity required to power the monstrous compounds you live in burn enough fossil fuels to blow a hole in the atmosphere. You travel the world with more people than an NFL football team just to wave at fawning subjects. 

Worse yet, I do not have the luxury of having anxiety over saving the planet when I've already allocated all of my anxiety to keeping children safe and alive and the general existential dread we all have. Meanwhile, by default, I have done more to preserve the environment for our future than you have, or will ever do. 

While Jeff Bezos is sending people to outer-god-damn-space, William is playing muggle quidditch. While Elon Musk is building rockets, William is whining about anxiety. My man, please go and do something. While you're choosing between Slytherin & Hufflepuff there's a Swedish kid screaming at the UN about climate policy. The audacity to lecture the world's "bright minds" from the chair of privilege is a bad look. 

Also a bad look - shave your head. For God's sake, you have no hair. You'll feel better after you do it. Trust me.